this sucks !!!

I am so sad right now .... The agency we signed up for called me today to tell me that we aren't eligible to foster/adopt because of Mike's criminal record !! (nothing major but stupid enough to have them deny us ) I am so mad right now and I feel like devil is winning this journey at the moment. I know God is in control but really ?!? All we want is to add to our family and can't catch a break. IS this God telling me that we are complete the way we are ?

This news comes at a time where I am having my own struggles within myself... I really want to stay home with my kids but I've been @ the same job for 13 years !!! and i make decent money so it will have to be a complete lifestyle change in order for me to do that but I am willing to scarifice that in order to be there for my kids ... You know when you were a little girl & you dreamed about what you were going to be when you grew up ?? Well I always dreamed about being a mom... strange ?? yes I know but I always knew that I wanted to have kids & get married ... those are my dreams & now that I am happily married to the man of my dreams & have those daughters I always wanted I just want to be there for them !!! I feel like I am missing out of my baby girl doing so much cause I have to work. They are only small for such a short time and I want to enjoy it. I can go back to work when they grow up & move out !!! Lol !! So now I am trying to figure out how to make my dreams come true .............

Devil - Your not gonna win cause I believe that God will take care of me & my family so can you please go away now ???

~Nichole

New Plans ........

Ok .. Let's be honest !! Infertility sucks and having to spend tons of money and give yourself shots everyday ... dr apointments... scans... blood tests.... and then still getting a - on a pregnancy test sucks even worse cause then you feel like " Why doesn't your body want to work with you ??" So .....

Mike & I have decided we are going to adopt. Actually we are going to do foster adoption . We are sooo blessed and all we want is to add to our family so since my body isn't working with me we are taking a new course to add to our family. We signed up with an agency in Conroe called Homes4Good ( www.homes4good.org) and we have started taking all the classes and are in the process of getting ALL the paperwork together. We should be done with the classes by May or possibly June at the latest then we will have a homestudy done and then the waiting game begins. We are doing foster/ foster to adopt which means we will foster any child but if the right child comes along that is free to adopt and we fit as a family we will have the 1st chance to adopt the child.

I am what your thinking ... your never gonna be able to give up a child cause you will fall in love with them . Yes.... your most likely right about us falling in love but think about it this way .... We can love a child for 6 months and maybe those 6 months made a diffrence in his/her life where they felt our love and was touched by our family compared to not ever been placed in our home and not knowing what love felt like. We know it is going to be hard but somethings are worth go even if your heart gets broken !!! Our triplets taught us that !!!

So ...... please pray for us as we go on this journey because it is going to be one hell of a roller coaster ride but a fun one !!!

~Nichole

new plan ...

We have new plan for our journey for another child ......... more details coming next week .....

but I will leave you with a cute picture of our girls ..........

~Nichole

Help me reach my goal!Sponsor Me at March for Babies!

Team Mackenzie Noelle

I have a friend Ashley ,who I first met by reading her blog , who put together a team for the march of dimes walk in April in honor of her daughter Mackenzie who was stillborn last June and I am going to be part of it !!! Ashley and I started talking through our blogs because we both have lost babies.. what a crappy way to meet.... yes I know , but I'm so glad we did meet cause she is an amazing woman !!! Later while we were emailing each other she realized we both work for the same bank. She works in our operations dept in The Woodlands and of course I'm in a branch. I am so excited to be part of her team so I want to help her raise some money .... so will you help me help her ??? I set a goal of $100 for myself to raise. You can donate by going to this link :
http://www.marchforbabies.org/nkoval

and Ashley is also doing a giveaway .... you can read about it here

http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/2010/03/giveaway-for-march-of-dimes-team.html

Thanks for your support for this WONDERFUL cause !!!

~Nichole

Offically Day 1 of the quest to lose weight ......

So I unoffically started my diet last week when I posted about having to lose weight. Honestly the only thing I did was watch what I ate and I think I did a very good job considering I love to eat sweets every night and I didn't have a coke all week !!! ( and still haven't yet !! ) GO NICHOLE !!!! I attempted to start my 30 jump start video of the biggest loser work out but since I was on my "lady days " that only lasted 1 day !! It's 10 minutes a day working diffrent things out each day. Heck if I can't manage 10 minutes a day to do a little workout then I'm in some BAD shape !!

So today I ate an egg white quiche with sausage my wonderful hubby cooked Sunday for us. Mike & I had lunch together which was a 6 inch subway melt on wheat bread with tons of veggies on it and for dinner we had shreded bar b q with beans. I didn't eat snacks throughout the day like I should have but today was alittle crazy for me.

We took Aubrey to the dentist this morning for the 1st time & then realized she has an ear infection and also slept funny last night cause she can't turn her head to the right all the way. Poor baby !! It broke my heart to hear her crying for me when she left to go home with her Daddy cause I had to go to work. So I was kinda in a funk @ work and forgot about snacks.

I am still determined this fat will be leaving my body !!!

~ Nichole

(insert Rocky Theme here ) ..... Training for a baby

I went to the dr this morning with the intention of starting round 2 of trying to have another baby, but ended up leaving with a totally diffrent goal !!

I have PCOS and with that I gain weight easily and have a hard time losing it. So since 2002 when I started seeing my fertility specialist I have gained a total of 46 lbs !! Yes I did have 2 pregnancies in that time period but I only gained 10 lbs with the triplets ( I only made it to 25 weeks 5 days) and about 6 or 7 with Aubrey ( born @ 38 weeks). That's alot of weight especially since I gained 10 of those lbs in the past 9 months !!! Hello FATTY GIRL !!! Put the ding dong down !!!

Mike & I talked to Dr. Schenk this morning and it started off with us talking about my past cycles with the fertility drugs and then Mike asked what has changed since I got pregnant with Aubrey in 2007 ? Dr. Schenk could only answer with 2 things. 1. age - I was 28 when I got pregnant and had Aubrey ( turned 29 only 4 days after she was born) 2. weight- I weigh about 16lbs more now that I did AFTER I had Aubrey. She then told me if I lost 35 lbs I would have a much better chance to get pregnant again. She told me to take 3 months off and get the weight off and come back and we can do it again and it should be much easier on my and my pregnancy to lose the weight because right now I am at risk for gestetional diabetes (sp?) like I had when pregnant with Aubrey. I DON'T WANT THAT AGAIN !!!

So now for a brief period this blog is going to be mostly about my journey to lose 35lbs so I can have another baby. The only reason I am going to continue to blog about this weight lose is because I need the support of my friends and family to help me because I know this is going to be so hard !!! I am very embarrassed to say this but my weight right now is ..... 232 lbs !!! HOLY CRAP !! How did I get so fat ?? o' yeah I LOVE TO EAT and not healthy food ... I love comfort food, snacks , candy, junk that is not good for me.

I want to do this the right way with exercise and eating healthy. I don't want to take any diet pills or do any fad diets because I think I will just gain the weight back once I get pregnant again. Mike is my biggest cheerleader because he wants his wife to be healthy for our future child and for the 2 daughters that are here watching how we treat our bodies. He has always been in shape and now he is doing the p90x workout so he is getting that much better.

I don't want to be the fat girl with the smokin hot husband anymore so by June 1, 2010 I AM GOING TO WEIGH 197 lbs !!!

~ Nichole

Round 2 ..........

My nurse just called me and I have an appointment tomorrow morning @ 9:30am to start over.
I'm not ready to quit this journey yet so here we go again !!!

~Nichole

Ironic...

This morning I got up knowing that it has been 2 weeks since my iui and hoping my pregnancy test would be positive but ........ it was a big fat negitive staring back at me. :(
I decided I was going to call my nurse and still go in for my bloodwork because they told me to do it. I called her @ 8:45am and then was waiting for her to call back when guess who decided to come visit me ........ MY STUPID PERIOD !!! Really ?? How come it came today of all days when I am suppose to find out I am pregnant ? What is so ironic about it is that I NEVER have periods without drugs 2 months in a row and I did this time. I don't know how to feel anymore. Should we continue on our journey to have another baby or just be blessed with the children we already have ? I know that God has a plan for us, I just wish he would tell us what it is ..... or is he telling us now and I'm just not listening ??

~Nichole

Mixed emotions ....

My 2 week waiting period is almost over ..... only 3 more days !! It seems like this pregnancy or the possibility of actually being pregnant again is scary and exciting at the same time. I am so excited because we want another child so bad but scary because I don't want to dissapoint everyone if it didn't work.

My mom is watching a 3 month old baby during the day and everyday I see how awesome Aubrey would be as a big sister. She is so caring and such a big helper. She loves to hold her "Baby Shelby" and rock, feed and burp her. She reminds me of myself. I have always wanted to be a mom and all my kids are so wonderful and I'm excited I'm a real mommy now.

I think about all the time how diffrent our live will be with a baby in the house. Our daughters have been the center of our world for so long it will be neat to see how we function with another little one. Aubrey is our baby but she is 2 years & 3 months already and very independent. She talks in complete sentences, she can say her abc's and can count to 11. She is almost potty trained also. Our baby is a big girl now. Shelby on the other hand is almost 12 going on 16 !! She is "finding out who she is" and lord please help us have the patience we need when dealing with a hormonal pre-teen !! She is such a beatiful little girl who loves to draw and expermint with fasion. She is definatly becoming her own person. She has her own opinons and views on everything and of course she knows so much more than we do ... lol !!! Britanee is almost 18 and is about to graduate high school. She is also deciding what to do with her life. She is no longer a child but is becoming a women. Our challenge with her is trying to get her to realize that after she graduates her life is going to begin and no one will able to live it for her.

It's kinda exciting knowing we are going to start over again and I am praying for great news .........

~Nichole

Day 17 .... the final appointment

This morning @ 8:45am I got my iui. You can read about what that is here : http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html. My nurse Cathi did the procedure on me & it was fairly painless but I did have alittle cramping when she was done. She put in 41 MILLION active healthy sperm !! Hopefully at least one of them can find that egg !! So now we are in the 2 week waiting period to see if it worked & I am pregnant !!! Mike & I talked last night about how exciting it is going to be with another baby in the house. Twin boys is what we want but we picked a boy name & a girl name. our little boy will be Dalton Michael or our little girls's name will be Madalyn Hope.

Today's cost :
Sperm wash - $ 215
iui- $165
parking - $3
-------------------------
total - $ 383

Complete Journey cost -
January 8- $ 60
January 20- $198
January 26- $87
February 1- $578.98
February 3- $383.98
February 5- $275.99
February 8- $ 383
----------------------------
drum roll please .... $2,159.95

So..... I will take a pregnancy test in 2 weeks & hopefully it will be positive & we will have a little baby in October/November.
~Nichole

6th & FINAL scan ....Day 14

I finally have a follicle that is an 18 !!! YEAH OVARIES !!! So tonight was my last night to take all my shots ... YEAH AGAIN !!! Tomorrow I have 1 more shot to take called ovidril which is suppose to make my ovaries ovulate my eggs within 72 hours. Monday morning Mike & I will both go to the dr and I will have an IUI done. This is where they wash his sperm and get only the best of the best and then they will put those swimmers directly into my uterus so they don't have far to travel so they can attach and start growing my babies !! This is the first time we decided to do the IUI, the other 2 pregnancies were concieved the old fashioned way ... lol !!! Today was also the last day the bloodsuckers got food from me again !! I am so excited that i have about 2 weeks & 3 days to find out I am going to have another baby !! It's very surreal this journey we are on and I am so very blessed !!!

Today's bill:
Bloodwork- $180
medicine- $92.99
parking - $3.00
----------------------
$275.99

total journey :
January 8- $60
January 20- $ 198
January 26- $87
January 28- $193
February 1- $578.98
February 3- $383.98
February 5th- $275.99
-------------------------
drumroll please .... $1776.95

Please keep us in your prayers !! My appointment is @ 8:30am Monday morning.
~Nichole

5th scan ............ Day 12 of our journey

Great news when I went to the dr Wednesday !! I have 3 follicles that are big enough to measure. They are measuring a 10,11 & 14 !!! Go ovaries grow baby grow !!! But now I also have another shot to add to my daily medicine routine. So if you lost count I have to do 3 shots & 6 pills a day all to have a baby !!!! The blood suckers wanted more food so of course I had more bloodwork done. The lining of my uterus is at a 9 also whicj is good according to Cathi. I go back Friday morning to get another scan ......... pray for big follicles 18 or above is what we want !!

I haven't mentioned her yet but I have a friend that works in the same building as me that has helped me out so much not only by GIVING me hundreds of dollars in medicine for this pregnancy, but she was one of the 1st people I told I was pregnant with the triplets & was so excited she took the ultrasound all over the store showing them off. She was also there for me when they all passed away by calling me while I was in the hospital to let me know she was praying for me during my time of loss and yet again she was there for me & excited about my pregnancy with Aubrey. She has become such a great spirtial friend over the past years by reminding me that GOD is in control and it is he who knows what will happen to us. Sandy ... THANK YOU so much for EVERYTHING you have done for me through our journey to have kids. I can't wait to meet Serenity & Trinity !! They have the most amazing parents and I'm so blessed to have you as my friend !!

Ok ..... back to the totals for today :
bloodwork - $180
medicine -$199.98
parking -$4.00
--------------------------
total- $383.98

journey total so far :
January 8th- $60
January 2oth- $198
January 26th- $87
Jauary 28th- $193
February 1st- $578.98
February 3rd- $383.98
-----------------------------
grand total - $1500.96

~Nichole

4th scan .... Day 10 of our journey

I went back to the dr today for yet another scan to see how my follicles are growing and got some good news. I hae one follicle that is measuring @ 13. ( the have to be 18 to be big enough to fertilize) I had several smaller ones that weren't measureable so the dr gave me a medicine that comes in the form of another shot called ganirelix so I don't ovulate that egg to early. OMG !! That shot hurt so bad when I took it I thought I was going to cry. Mike made fun of me but he's a big meany !! I also had to up the dose of follistium to 175 iu's so the little follicles can catch up. Once again I had the blood suckers get more blood and I am really starting not to like them very much. My hands are bruised as well as my tummy where I give my self the shots.

totals for today:
scan- $195
blood work - $ 180
Medicine- $199.98
parking- $4
---------------------
total - $578.98 WOW !! that's alot for just 1 day !!!

Grand totals For the complete Journey:

January 8- $ 60
January 20- $198
January 26- $87
January 28- $ 193
February 1- $578.98
-------------------------
total - $ 1,106.98

I pray that these follicles grow big and when I go back on Wednesday they will be mature so I can start the shot to ovulate and then get pregnant . I can't wait for the day I get to see the 2 lines on the pregnancy test and know our babies are on their way !!!

~Nichole

3rd scan .......... Day 10 of our journey !!!

Not much happened today when I went for my scan. Cathi told me that I have several folliciles in each ovary but none big enough to measure. My cervix is getting thicker. It is a 9 today . Dr. Schenk increased my follistium to 150 iu. I will go back Monday morning @ 9:15 am to see how much they grew over the weekend.



Cost for the day:
blood work - $180
parking $3
---------------------------
total - $183





grand total so far :
January 8th - $60
January 20th- $198
January 26th- $87
January 28th- $183
---------------------------
total- $528

~ Nichole

2nd Scan ...... Day 8 of the journey !!

Today I went for my 2nd scan of my urterus. The goal is to have follicules that measure 18mm or larger because that is a mature egg which can be fertilized and become a baby ( or the twins I want ). I can't remember what the lining has to be but today it was an 8. I have several small follicules in each ovary but none that were big enough to measure.Today I had to do bloodwork to check my estrogen. I forgot how much I hate giving blood for that. I always ask them to draw it out of my hand cause my arm veins roll & the blood suckers always have to stick me more than once. Cathi ( my nurse) told me to continue on my 100iu of follistium and the prenatals & the 2000mg of metiformin daily. I will go back Thursday , January 28th to see how much they have grown. I actually brought my camera today so I thought I would show you what the inside of your urterus looks like and the machine that is used to see the inside of me ............

Isn't this where you would love to come several times a week so you could get pregnant ?? LOL

Cost for today:
blood work - $85
scan - $0
parking- $2
------------------
total - $87



total cost so far :
January 8th- $60
January 20th- $198
January 26th - $87
------------------------
graand total - $ 345



~Nichole

1st scan ......

I went to the dr today to get my 1st scan. It was just a baseline scan of my uterus to make sure there are no old follicles hanging around. Carmen is the same ultrasound tech who has done my scans with both my other pregnancies. Aubrey came with me and sat in the chair when I was getting the scan and sang her abc's. It was so cute. Everyone always smiles when she is around. She's a pretty cute kid. My nurse Cathi was out so Gloria told me to start 100 iu's of follistium shots on Friday January 22nd. I have to make an appointment for another scan on Tuesday January 26th. I didn't have any blood work today so that was good. I really hate the bloodwork part. I usually have them get it out of my hand since my veins in my arms roll and unless they are really good, they usually miss the vein.

Cost for today
dr visit- $195
parking- $3
------------------
total- $198

balances so far
january 8th- $60
January 20th-$198
----------------------------
grand total - $ 258

~Nichole

So happy ...... FINALLY my visitor came

I never thought I would be so excited to start my period !!! Today is 5 days after I finished my last prometrium pill to make it come. I didn't realize it came until 5:15pm so I will have to wait until tomorrow to call my nurse to go in for my base line ultrasound to make sure I can start my follistium. I am so excited about this journey I am about to start. I keep telling my mom & Mike we are having twin boys !! When I refer to the pregnancy I am about to have I call it you know ...... when I have the twins !!! lol !! I know .......... I am CRAZY !!! How amazing would it be to be pregnany with twins this time ? I loved the pregnancy with the triplets . It was awesome being pregnant with 3 babies ...... really how many people do you know that have had 3 babies in them ? Aubrey was also cool to be pregnant with since she was a single baby which is the normal in pregnancy but I was stressed out with her because of losing the triplets 4 months earlier. So this time I decided to be pregnant with 2 babies I can handle and if they are boys , MIKE WOULD LOVE IT !!! Honestly either way we will be happy ..... boys or girls.......... we just want healthly babies !!!

~Nichole

waiting ..........

Not much is happening in my journey at the moment. I am just taking my prometrium waiting to start my period so I can start the scans of my uterus and begin my follistium !!! I'm so excited about having a baby. I think twin boys would be awesome !!

~ Nichole

Today is the beginning of our journey .......

Today was my 1st visit with Dr. Leah Schenk to start my baby journey again. I had a 10:15am appointment and I was so excited !! My mom & Aubrey went with me to the appointment. I really liked taking Aubrey back to see Dr. Schenk because without her I wouldn't have my precious little girl.

So....... We went into Dr. Schenk's office and started talking about how we are going to get this process started and what doses of medicine I was going to start with. She prescribed prometrium 200mg to me that I am suppose to take 2 pills for 7 days so that I can start my period. My last period was August 29, 2009. She also told me I have to take 2000mg of metformin daily which is 4 HUGE pills !!! I also have to start taking prenatal vitamins which don't bother me cause they are small. I hate taking pills but I will do anything she tells me to because I really want to have a baby.

Dr. Schenk also gave me some great news. In the past times I have went to Dr. Schenk to have a baby they do many scans on my uterus to measure the follicles. My insurance doesn't cover any of this fertility treatment and each scan/bloodwork is around $285 every other day until the end of the cycle. This really adds up so ........... Dr. Schenk told me that she will only charge me for 3 scans !!! I felt like this was just a small gesture from GOD telling me that everything will work out the way he has planned and I am so blessed and greatful !!!

So right now I am just taking the prometrium and waiting for my period to start. I have to go back to the dr on day 1-3 for my first baseline scan and then we will get this journey started !!!

I also want to see how much this journey is going to cost so I am going to keep up with the money each visit costs.

Today's totals

dr visit- $25

medicine- $30

parking $5

----------------------

total - $ 60

~Nichole